Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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