im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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