i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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