My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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