yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize