just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
