My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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