I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
