Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My first STD was from a foam party
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
