I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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