saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My feet surprised me
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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