I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
