Too much gin, very little bucket
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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