He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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