My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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