The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
