look no pants
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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