there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
