Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
