I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
