I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
