Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
