never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
