ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
