Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
