First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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