so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration