So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.