Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
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Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them