I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize