Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.