I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
