I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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