I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
