I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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