Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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