I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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