I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
