I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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