Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
