I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
