I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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