Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
