her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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