The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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