I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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