she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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