whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
