so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
