His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
