She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
