Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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