You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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