The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
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I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
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Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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