You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
