You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize