look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
