Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
