shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
