i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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