Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
