i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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