I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
