I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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