a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You ruined the universe
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
