you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
